Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Not our will, but His

It was only a week ago. Everything was in our bag we needed. Double checked that all the changes of clothing, pajamas, toiletries, and favorite stuffed animals were in the kids' suitcase. Laundry was done, dog fed, plants watered. Agenda in my purse, and kids loaded in the car. Headed to a dear friend's house to drop off the kids. Anticipation was steadily rising! Drop the kids off and visit for a few minutes. Brad and our friend kill the baby copperhead the boys were trying to catch. Stop by the chiropractor's office for a quick adjustment since we are uncertain when we will get in there again. After being adjusted, we go over to Ye Old Fashion for milkshakes. Finally we are on our way. Not for our dream vacation, but rather our dream VBAC... only God had other plans.

When we found out we were pregnant with our fifth child, we were elated. Brad and I have always dreamed of having a large family. Due to our Biblical beliefs, we do not feel we have the right to "set" a number to the amount of children God is to bless us with, so we say, when asked, we'll have as many children as God gives us. After having an emergency c-section with our fourth child, we were determined to have as natural a birth as possible with our future children. We wanted to actually hire a midwife and have this child at home, only to find out we were not legally allowed - midwives are not allowed to deliver VBACs here. So we started looking into having a natural VBAC in the hospital. We were determined to have intermittent monitoring, no epidural, no assistance, Brad was going to catch, and we were going to wait until the cord stopped pulsing before we cut it. There was one doctor in particular, that was extremely for us having a natural VBAC - and sure enough, he was the one on call when we went into labor.

When we got to the hospital, around 4 PM, we were told my membranes had indeed ruptured, but I was only at a 1 or 2. A quick ultrasound was performed to ensure he was indeed head down, due to the fact that as of yet, he still had not dropped. Once confirmed, I started walking and bouncing on an exercise ball. I continued this up until around midnight. At that point, I was exhausted. I laid down in bed to try to catch a nap. About thirty minutes later, I started getting severe pains over my old incision, in between my contractions. Knowing there was a chance my uterus could rupture, I had my hubby put me back on the monitor. The nurse came in and checked me - my contractions were three minutes apart, but I was only 6 cm. When asked to rate my pain for the contractions, I rated them at a four... but the pain over my incision quickly hit a seven, causing me to be literally sick. At that point, the doctor came in. His concern was not my uterine rupturing, but rather the fact that the baby's heart rate was steady climbing and not coming down at all. Our baby was in distress! After some discussion, it was decided that I would need another c-section. My dreams of a natural VBAC disintegrated as I was prepped.

Benjamin Nathaniel was born via c-section at 1:07 AM. His cord was wrapped around his neck twice and he was tangled in it, which had not allowed him to drop in order to be born. For the first 90 seconds of his life, he fought to survive. He was not breathing and had to be bagged - he was a "blue baby." His respiration rate remained high until around 6 in the morning, when he finally seemed to be able to regulate them and keep the rate around average. Thankfully, he is doing well now.

To top everything off, we were told that we were not allowed to have a VBAC for any future children - we must have a c-section. I have yet to get my brain around this - why would God have us have another c-section if this makes it so we are no longer allowed to birth children the way He intended? I still do not know the answer to this question, and probably never will. I do, however, know that everything works together for His Glory. It is not about what we want or what others think is best for us, no matter how well-meaning they are. It is about God - what He desires for our lives. If we are not meant to have any more children, we will not get pregnant. If we are meant to have a c-section, we will fair through it fine. If we are meant to have a natural VBAC, He will see that it happens.

So often we pray "not our will, but Yours," but do we really mean it? I know I personally need to keep my faith in Him and know without a shadow of a doubt that His will is perfect, even when it "goes against" everything my heart desires. God sees the big picture and knows what is best in our lives. He knew that Ben's heart rate needed to start sky rocketing and I needed to start having intense pains so that we would agree to a c-section so that we would figure out how wrapped up in his cord he was, before something happened. God is in control!